Saturday, August 09, 2008
National Day.....Families gathering at the floating platform, couples hugging each other watching fireworks, children enjoying themselves watching those fighter planes fly past their windows... Me? Can't help but wondering are men born to make women cry in pain? WHAT A TOPIC TO THINK ABOUT!? Hai! Totally CMI!! The only pH hols i have after 2 years in my nursing line & it makes me felt so alone...so depressed. Should have gone back to work... Money is the only thing that can make me feel secure now.. Promises, sweet talks seemed so distant.. nothing interest me now, i can afford to lose anything ... Come what may attitude! But i do admit.. i'm such a loser in love life! Arghz! I give up! Wanted this & that.. at the end? Neglected the basic needs to be happy! Can't recall when is the last time i can truly rely on someone to give me happiness. Giving in, making so much efforts = blogging here with such terrible thoughts in mind. Memories haunt me every nite.. True enough, time washes away pain but can it remove scars too? Ha! Do i really have to force myself to change into someone cold... just to seek happiness? Such despair thoughts Jennifer! Sleeping & escaping the reality of life is wad i could think of now... Leaving everything to fate, not bothering.. simple hack care! Pushing things too hrd can only make things worst ya? I've gotta let it go... leaving things just as it is. I'm Jennifer... not love's slave~
[loved you`]
at 8:33 PM
Monday, August 04, 2008
Recently, many things seems to fall in orderly manner.. may expected things are happening, life is still full of surprises. Distance between J & me seems to be getting further, is it really common & insignificant? It matters alot to me though.. i just wanna settle down.. lol.. but it just seems so distant.. so impossible. I guess it's time to move on.. twirling in circles, trying to figure out solutions after solutions will never work... Yup.. i guess no turning back now... i'm forced to move on... gotta move on~ i remembered once dad said to me... "dun hope... it will only disappoint u at the end..." i'm learning dad... dun hope.. dun expect... tat's the only way to survive.. to feel happy, satisfied~
Mind's empty now.. dun dare to think of anything else except for work, study.... dying to get my driving licence asap... LOL! finally... new car's on the way! Mom's gonna get my fav car... Honda Jazz! Eventually... the only ones tat's gonna stay by urside it's still ur family... Juz love them... Mom.. dad... & of coz my darling snowy~ once mom & dad was laughing so loudly in the living room over some silly shows.. i laughed too.. although i'm not watching... but tat kind of warmth knowing tat ur parents are happy & enjoying themselves.. makes me felt happy for them too. =) There's no place like home...
I've tried... & i'm tired... Just wanna be happy & move on... dun wanna hope.. dun wanna dream... just let fate decide... i believe someday...someone will be there... be with me. Miricles do happen when u just believe...
[loved you`]
at 10:48 AM
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Is it really happening??Has been really jinxed to the core recently... not only i'm having bad luck... i even jinx J too.. totally unbelievable! Even riding in his car can cause his tires to rupture~ =.=" LOL, seriously has J ever regreted knowing me? Ever asked him before... glad that he said "nope" (haha..is it true?) Anyway, thing hasn't been going smoothly too.. many rough edges between us... trying hard to understand guy's thinking on their mind?! Can be rather frustrating sometimes... Grr! Y must guys always act so cool... calm... keeping their probs to themselves always?! Haiz! WHY!!!??? Isn't it better to talk it out? 2 brains better than 1 rite? o.O So many misunderstandings.. so many probs.. do u think we can last J? (Hah..he dosen't like it when i call him tat)...Do u think i care? (His fav phrase too, kinda miss it though..) Solutions..solutions..solutions... brain storming everyday! Moto for Jennifer in 2008 --- > To be (always) happy, cheerful! Die die cannot be moody... J's got the seclusion mode switched on whenever he's unhappy... so i gotta be happy! Neg + Pos = +ve ya?! Kekeke =P But hor... LOL (contridiction starts... ) sometimes really cannot tahan him leh!! So mood swing, like PMS loh! Wahahah.... but i do admit.. he can really make my day or he can crashed & totally destroy it! Really a tyrant King! Miss ya J!So suay till i sprained my foot while climbing up the darn stairs... grr... somemore gotta work loh.. haiz! Luckily got bear bear hug & my fav drink!! Coffee bean--- mocha ice blended! (So heng didn't puke, stomach still feels alittle upset though-- stupid lactulose intolerant thingy!) Bur it's from J--- hee! Tasted so so sweet! Will update again soon... gtg back to work!! Ciao~
[loved you`]
at 8:22 AM
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Life after life without Tyrant Jason ( Part 2)Problems not solved yet... i felt like as though i'm not trying at all.. no solutions, this is the first time in my entire life, i'm stuck... without any plan C or D to back me up. it felt liek as though i'm not moving, not making any effort to find a solution... ha! ha! the biggest joke of all is... I HAVE NO SOLUTION?! Blank... empty.... zero! Going bonkers soon... laughing & joking, cheering everyone up in the day, screaming, crying, hiding in my bedroom at night... nv expect anyone to solve my probs or to cheer me up... just hope to see J's smile, hear his cheerful voice, sweet smses from him... but nil... nothing at all.. I admit defeat... pronounced dead in J's hands. I give up totally, he's important to me and i admit it. So much so that, his happiness, sadness and all his probs seems to be like my own... i just wan someone to understand me... its sufficient even if J's gonna keep quiet, all i need is just to lean my head on his shoulders.. he doesen't need to utter a word.. silent.. zip... i love to communicate with him using my heart.. "heart to heart talk" Sometimes i wonder, if he ever caught me secretly staring at him... i'm just trying to capture a few more images of him & keep it in my mind.. coz after each meeting, i really have no idea when's the next time we're going to meet again... i'm afraid to ask him out... to deprive him from his own time & his feedom. Well... no point thinking so much now, i might not even get to see him anymore.... Jennifer's gonna solve her probs now... no one's gonna help you! Wake up!! Phone diverted... smses not replied... Jennifer's gonna be alone...
[loved you`]
at 6:53 PM
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Life after life without tyrant Jason... Time really flies.. 6 days had past since i've last written in this blog. Time passes so fast when i'm with J... the first 2 days without J, everyday felt like years... tears, agony and regrets... i'm glad that J didn't let me suffer for more than 3 days... glad that we're back together now... Within just 6 days... more things happened... more stresses and things that i can't explain... things are moving so quickly that i can hardly breathe. To my surprise, i'm doing things that i cannot explain and simply unimaginable... should i say after so many incidents, i did not learn my mistakes or i'm willing to take the risk of going through another roller coaster ride? I should say, love is something that i will take my entire life & beyond to understand. It's too complex to use words to describe .. simply amazing... unfortunately, falling in & out of love too many times, i'm starting to feel........ afraid. But every serious relationships that i've been through... i 've never fail to give them 101% of my love... is it because of this reason, i got myself into all these pain? Y is it that guys falls out of love so easily? Do they feel the same pain that we gals go through??! I'm really curious.. if i ever get the chance, i would love to be a guy for once... Being alone... i've learnt that i can trust noone except for myself... only i can protect myself from harm... i'm safe being alone. Till once... i felt safe & warm in J's arms... it's kinda difficult to explain that kind of warmth, for that moment... all my worries seems to be gone... time stops... i'm tired.. so so tired.. i just wanna stop thinking, stop deciding! I just love to heed advise from J everytime... i just wanna be a "small" woman (direct translation from mandrin), it's so fortunate to find someone that you can rely on... that is if this kind of feeling's gonna last... (ha, sound so pessimistic) Hmmm... finishing my night shift soon... last night!!!!! So happy!! I miss J so much.. don't know when we will meet up again... =.= Haiz... can't believe i spent more den 3 hours trying to complete this blog... grrr... so many "kepos" and distraction in my workplace... =P
[loved you`]
at 1:08 AM
Monday, June 23, 2008
Life without Tyrant Jason (Day 2)
2nd nite...finally last nite of my shift.. working at a great place today but with no reception. =.=" Decided to start writing my blog now... coz today's gonna be a busy day after late morning. Changing hp number soon.. sick & tired of starhub.. reception really cannot make it ++++.... OMG! Gotta get a new line for my workplace to be like 24hrs standby?! Glad that Singtel is having a coperate promotion for NUH...getting a new line & of coz not missing the chance to get a new hp! Sad... budget's really low now... can't get any high end phones (like the LG and Samsung model) 2 really good touch screen hps. Anyway... i can continue to dream dream dream....
Just got my annual training performance review today... haiz! Didn't do well last yr... guess there goes my bonus for July. zzzz..... At least something cheered me up.. J smsed me.. didnt expected him to, as usual... his actions are always so unexpected type... i was so happy.... =) Finally i got to smile after that day... my first smile. Got to hear J's voice for awhile just now.. eventhough it's like for a few seconds.. it's sufficient i guess. Wanted more... but i was too greedy.. called him but he didn't pick up the call. Stopped redialling after 2 calls... the word "nuiscance" kept repeating & repeating over my mind.... don't wanna be 1 anymore... he fell asleep i guessed... it's been a long tiring day for him...
Going to visit James later... dunno wad he wanted to say, specially request for my visit the 2nd time. Really have no idea what to say to him later.... i'm like so blank rite now! Kept thinking of my own problems... i'm stressed enough.. mind's already fully occupied by J. Recently found this new song sang by Zhou Ding Wei - Yu gan, i think it's a very old song previously sang by Eason. It reflected exactly how i felt.. really nice song. Almost 500 songs in my iPod... kept listening to only 2 songs, Eason Chan's song (J just love listening to it) and Yu gan... it felt rather nice coz while listening to it.. it's like J's around me. Really miss him lots... dunno whether will it rain later on? Walking under the rain felt really good.. juz wanna be alone... listening to tat song with tat feeling of J's prescence around me.
Oh my... been writing this blog for quite sometime.. gotta stop now.. Sweet Dreams J.
[loved you`]
at 2:48 AM
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Life without Tyrant Jason (Day 1)
16 hours.. no smses, no calls... kept thinking when was the last time i saw J..? Don't understand, how come i can't remember anything? Just reached hm after night shift, didn't rest well yesterday & surprisingly i'm not tired now.... Last nite was a really good nite, only about a handful of patients, was glad that i managed to find my songs & updated my blog... few frens tried to talk to me, i felt bad coz 3/4 of the time i wasn't even listening to them... images of J kept flashing on my mind.. really miss him so much....
Started to rain @ 0630hrs during work.... everything seems so grey, so gloomy... is it because of the weather or it's me? Left my workplace, walking under the rain have never felt so good.. when rain drops kept dripping down my face, it merges with my tears.... can't tell that i'm crying. How i wish i could just fall ill, take some drowsy medications that could make me sleep...only in my dreams, i might get a chance to see J again.. wondering what is he doing now? Is he still coughing badly? Ate already? Back then, i will always ask him these few questions everyday... although he is so much more older then me... i'm still worried... concerned. Arghz! Jennifer get some sleep!! God! Have some mercy on me...
[loved you`]
at 9:30 AM
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Life without Tyrant Jason (The Beginning)It's been 2 hours since we have last spoken... although it seems short, it's the beginning of a long winter without a fireplace, without tyrant J. I can never forget how he introduced himself to me on our first day... Ha ha! J sounded like a pervertic, disgusting old man tat wanted to flirt with young girls... seriously, i was kinda turned off @ that moment, i'm actually speechless... Luckily, it was a fake.. wad a nice & unforgetable way of an introduction.. that's how i've got hooked... the sweetest smses and a caring and soothing voice that really melts my heart.. Of coz, beautiful things never last.. here i am now, talking to myself and my blog all alone. It hurts deeply till only 2 drops of tears came down after my last sms for him. The only comforting moment was the thought of me (the pain) getting off his ass, not creating more stresses, giving him his personal space that i have been trying to invade for the past month. I have thought of many many ways.. what can i do to get J's attention? How can i make him happier and what else i can do to improve myself? Many nights at the void deck spending hrs down below... i've finally realised last night! J needs his breathing space.. Jennifer is the reason for all the unhappiness. I did something today that broke my heart.. the first time Jennifer lied to J.... to find a reason to leave... Haiz! It's gonna be uncomfortable with J by my side... giving me his "royal speech", a piece of mind... all the "Bull shits!" What i am suppose to do? I'm left with 2 choices.. it's either i continue to fight or i flight... instead of pulling him together into the agony pond, i rather drown alone.. Love's just so amazing.... sometimes loving someone dosen't mean that u gotta have tat person by urside 24/7, its.... is he happy? It's really not easy to understand a person well.. so far, i only know tat J needs his personal space (huge personal space) and i'm someone who needs lots of care & attention... so, the question is y make 2 persons suffer when its better for just 1 to be? I've nothing left in memory of him.. only his pics in friendster and this song........ click --> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5yLJ0rWSIA
[loved you`]
at 7:27 PM
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Time flies, 1 semster of my Bachelor of nursing is gone... there goes my 6k. It felt like as though i have just started the course...as though i have just celebrated my birthday =) I remembered, i started this course at the month of my birthday.. at that moment it's like a dream come true, i've always wanted to study and to upgrade myself , i love to play and have fun (who dosen't ya?) but i promised myself... at the sametime i want to be a smart girl.. play hard & play smart. Geez... time really flies, i'm half a year older in school & of coz my age too! Just completed my sem 1 exam yesterday, the paper was really hard though... hated open ended essay questions with no right or wrong answers... each weigh about 30-40 marks each! It's really tedious.. arghz! Haiz, how i wish someone can really share my happiness with me (for completing my 1st sem), its really not easy.. work like a cow in hospital & gotta study like a dog in school.... contributing to the animal farm... my bf called me piggy... (well thanks alot!!) Back in school today, it's been like 2 months since i've last seen my classmates.... (the few old gals that we used to hang about during our NYP time), the first question was like "Hey i think u have lost weight" --- HA! HA! HA! U'll never know how wonderful it felt after hearing those comments!! (OMG... it was like....WOW!) But... the 2nd question was... haiz! They asked about James.. when will he be coming out & are we still seeing each other.... i guess it's been like a long time since i have last updated them. The only 2 words i've said was..... It's Over~ i kept quiet all the way thereafter... trying hard to change the sour atmosphere they tried to switch topics... (they're really nice) nevertheless...they made me smile...at least~ Keke!Everything's starting anew now... new advancement in my career (so far so good), new advancement to sem 2 of my degree course (hopefully---praying hard not to waste another 6k to repeat!), living a life now at home without any maid... doing housework. I spent like 23 years of my life with a maid to help out at hm... now it's like a sudden lost... 2 months ago i remembered i broke down & cried after watching David Tao's concert with my best pal outside Kallang indoor stadium.. i couldn't cope, just couldn't cope at all! Mummy was like devastated, daddy was so helpless and everyone was like putting all the responsiblity on my shoulders... so many things happened at the same time... i'm really lost~ Thank god for giving me such a strong faith in believing that miracles will happen if i believe... only through determinations and strong will, no matter how bad things turns out to be... i'm able to cope! Lucky me... i've got the optimistic inheritance from daddy~ Well... trying to take things lightly now... although sometimes at night when everyone's asleep, that's the time when all the painful memories haunts me... trying to say i think too much? Cultivating bad habits like not sleeping at night? Well... even the sleep clinic couldn't help me much except for prescribing me tons & tons of sleeping tablets & muscle relaxants. I know, the day i'm able to let go.... it's the day i can sleep soundly at night. Many a times i've tried to open up myself.. sharing my thoughts with someone close... but i guess before i could speak out, my silence simply made the other party wanna end the conversation... LOL~ Hmmm... it's better to keep things to myself i think... =) I guess i'm still happy... happy with the things that i've got now... happy with my life (though it's quite hard to walk sometimes)... once in awhile just let me release my accumulated agony within me... i suppose i will be fine with it~ Ahem... it's like 1 am now.. gotta wake up early tml... let's end here. (",)
[loved you`]
at 12:21 AM
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Hmmm.. Just felt like wrtting something in my blog.. but don't really know how to start. Should i say... its something happy or......... its another test that i have to go through? Recently did some soul searching, for the past 10 years... i'm always searching for better things and asking for more... at the end, i asked myself what did i managed to achieve? The cruelty of reality? The dark side of human nature? In fact, i'm losing what i've already had. The same question has been repeating in my mind... What can i do to make myself happier? I'm willing to give up anything... Finally, i've got the answer... i've got to give up the greediness in me.. Pondering over unhappy pasts and wanting more will never lead me to happiness. I've gotta love myself more... I wanna be me... myself! Kinda love my life now.. i've got more time for myself. I don't have to pretend and don't wanna pretend to be happy anymore... letting go of the past and let everything be more natural makes life more simple... =) Hmmm.. this phrase sounded familiar... =.=" i know where it's from... my bf! Oh man... it's just like 2 weeks ++ and i've got his virus?! Ok la.. gotta give him some "Credit" .. haha! If he's not the joker type, i guess i'm gonna get more depressed. Being with him, i've learnt to be more "independent" too..... if u know wad i mean??? (*grumble*...*grumble*...*grumble*...) I need a break! So tired...... i guess i hv been saying this sentence since last yr? It's like my dream to travel around with someone special.. It's like just the 2 of us... Haiz! How long do i have to wait??? It's like something always stops me from going... it's either noone is avaliable to accompany me or i'm broke for that month or i've got no leave!! Sounds really dumb... my stupid shift work is driving me nuts! Can't behave like a normal person.. work on weekends, turning into nocturnal beings which made me looked really withered... saw a few strands of white hair with pimples popping out yesterday... ARGHZ!! Kkz... gonna end here... my colleague waiting for me for my breaktime!! Keke..i'm 20mins late! (as usual) =P
[loved you`]
at 11:21 PM
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
I'm beginning to feel the stress and exhaustion recently.. No matter how hard my road can be, i have never ever had this kind of feelings before. I'm seriously disturbed by all those ridiculous thoughts that keep flashing across my mind, used to think tat life will be different without "the special person" in my life. I'm damn wrong.. so so wrong. The ups & downs of life still existed, friends, love still comes in & out of my life... When i finally felt the sweetness in life, that kind of wonderful feeling will be gone next. Crying and sharing with people is something that i've stopped doing... I'm tired of repeating the same kind of stories over & over again, can't even remember when is the last time i really cried. No doubt, intermittently... i still shed a few drops of tears when i'm alone. The only time when i felt quiet and safe is when i'm sitting alone at my fav place under my blk.. hard to explain the serenity i felt.. listening to my ipod, smoking and staring at the blue blue sky. At tat moment, i m able to pull myself out of the stresses of life and travel into another dimension... my own world. Darn... sounded really emo now! LOL... its a blog yea? Suppose to share the inner thoughts... still trying trying... trying real hard...
[loved you`]
at 5:36 AM
Saturday, May 03, 2008
2 long months have passed.. OMG~ seems like 20 years ago i've last seen my bf. Things dosen't seems rite now, So many things had happened, my surrounding seems blurry.. i'm losing my way or rather i'm already lost... Sometimes i sat alone thinking is it because i'm lonely? I miss him? or i don't know what i actually wanted... i don't dare to think.. keeping myself fully occupied, sometimes i feel like as though i'm like an NS man.. Chiong! Chiong! Chiong! does nothing but Chiong.. LOL~ Smoking more then usual.. indulge in alcohol now, hoping someday there's a drink which can numb all my pain. Requesting long working hours... going to school to study study study! Ha... seriously i don't know how i managed to survive, sleeping less than 10 hours every week.. i can't slp, dun wanna slp... everytime i closes my eyes.. i'm so helpless! All my stresses & my bf's face is suffocating me.. i can't breathe.... I used to cry everyday.. misses him so much... thinking that i really missed him so much...then y did i stop crying now? Where have all the tears gone? Have i reached my limit? Do i really miss him or i'm just not used to life without him...
[loved you`]
at 8:14 AM
Saturday, March 15, 2008
It's been 4 days since i hv meet & spoken to my bf... Missing his smile, his dumb & lame expression when he trys to make me smile, the irritating side of him when he is hyperactive & can really be so irritating coz he just cant shut up for 1 min! We've been through so many tests... every obsticle was really hard to pass through. Will our tears & hardship lead us to a happily ever after? I believed, everything tat's happening to us are pre-designed...tat's fate! Everything's fair, when u want something, u hv to sacrifice another. Through these yrs... i 've seen many ugly sides of human beings. Even in animals.. i've seen tortise climbing on each other's head just to stick it's head out of water to breathe. I'll nv forget that scene, suffocating it's own species for survival. Just like those ppl around us, back-stabbing each other, making life's real hard for those who are more soft-hearted. Tat's the real world... only the toughest survive! Sounds really harsh & cruel though... haha. It's ok..come wad may... i will take it... standing upright! I've heard a phrase from a fren... the only way to be "HAPPY", is to be "SATISFIED". A greedy person will nv hv any satisfaction in life & will miss out many wonderful things tat's happening ard... it's damn true! I just love this phrase! Tat's all for today... gotta slp now. AM shift tml.. Nite ppl...nite dear!
[loved you`]
at 11:26 PM
Friday, March 14, 2008
Hmm..guess it's been a month ++ since i've last updated my blog. Life's getting really hectic these days. Gotta work, school, family time and of coz some private moments with my bf. 24 hrs it's really not enough fir me, wouldn't it be so nice if there's 30hrs a day?! (LOL...quit dreaming =P) Someone once told me, dun look back Jennifer, work hard for ur future & let's not let our tears to waste. If tat someone's reading my blog now... just wanna tell u, Yea i'm working real hard now... wad about u? I'm climbing steadily.. should say thanks to u, without u, i will never ever learn the word "independent". Of coz, life's never easy, especially mine... so many things changed in a split sec leaving me no time to adjust. I guess i'm like a abandoned dog on the street, given me home, love & warm bed.. now, just throw me out in the street to adapt & "be independent"! LOL.. glad tat i've made it, although i'm bruised, tortured & tasted the bitter & sweet of life...i'm proud to say, yes! I can walk on my own! Used to hv a few good frens around me, sad to say.. due to my rotating shifts.. i've strayed away from all of my frens.. it's just my family, my snowy & of coz James.. my dear who is aways there (although sometimes not physically) for me to vent all my stress & anger on, eventhough he knows tat is not his fault at all. Really wanna say thanks so so much!Definately.. good stuffs dun last long ya? God gave u something nice to hv a taste of it & he takes it away...telling u... "if u wan it back, strive hard for it!" Mom & dad going off for a business trip.. will be back maybe a mth's time? or even longer... i really dunno.. James stucked with his NS stuffs...not gonna be out for at least 6 mths ++... not contactable...no book out. Ha.. i'm really on my own now... gotta tell myself i will survive! I'm gonna make it... no matter how long it takes.. how hard it's gonna be.. even i'll bleed to death... i'll walk my path with no regrets.. i hv faith in God... i know, every mistakes made = a lesson learnt! Someday... i'll definately find my way to happiness & peaceful life! =) I hv trust... ! I'll be missing my dear...so so much! I'll be here... waiting! till u're back.. den our life begin!
[loved you`]
at 1:31 AM
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
KeKe...actually my bday was yesterday... *sob* *sob* the day past so so fast =( Hmm... this yr not much ppl celebrated with me.. was just my dear, his friends... & of coz my best pal samntha & my loving family always!! Although this yr's event was not really interesting, the time spent was really to the fullest!!! LOL... Play mahjong the whole night..went geylang to eat at 2 am!! Shiok!! The most important of all... no more bad luck on my birthday!! Haiz for the past few yrs.. i got really frightened when my bday's approaching coz i will always quarrel with my bf... Now NO MORE!! YES! I really dunno how i mnage to overcome it...but who cares rite?! As long as it's over! Thank god for all the things tat i hv... especially for giving me such wonderful family! 23 yrs old ler... getting older & older & older!! OMG! o.O So many to do with so little time!! Gotta move on!!
[loved you`]
at 1:02 AM
Friday, January 11, 2008
Gosh..it's been so long since i've last updated my blog.. -.- It's been a long & slow yr end for me. Many things happen, made me stronger & forcing the courage within me to step out & settle problems myself. No longer walking & sheltered under the warmth of my parents. Eventhough, i still love them alot..always there for me eventhough i've been a very very naughty girl!
Lots of stress recently.. workload is becoming like x3 times the day i've joined NUH. More & more ppl are getting sick.. everything increases Taxi fares, medical bills, food & even toilet tax increases! Oh man~! Everything except the number of doctors & nurses. I really dun understand WHY!?
Mmm..tried to talk to "him" for the past 2 months, on & off seeing him in msn... sad to say i still dun hv the courage to talk to him. Juz on & off simple greetings... hopefully i could get juz a "thanks" from him.. But? Who knows... things changed.. haiz.. he's different now. I think he's better off alone..(perhaps not with me ard). Continuing to move on with our lives... keep thinking of 2009. Will he be there? Will i see something different? BIG QUESTION MARK!?
Hey! Stop the sighing & Emo one corner stuffs! Freak! My Bday's coming!! YEA!!! Getting older soon -.-" Febuary..........HERE I COME!!!!
[loved you`]
at 12:52 AM
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
It's 1 week since i have last met my bf.. really missed him so so much. Him being away, i'm sure he has he's reasons.. But this kinda feeling it's really unbearable... it's not like i've gotta see him everyday. No news, no contact... nothing at all.. Seems like he has ran away rite? All i know is he's gonna be back...the only thing is...when will it be? When can we meet again? I really have no
idea... When can i see him again? I would give up anything...in exchange to know how he is
now...juz to see him once. It hurts...it really hurts...
Missed u so much... I'll be waiting... waiting...waiting...
[loved you`]
at 12:46 AM
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Gosh.. things surrounding me are really moving fast.. relationships, friendships even families are being split-up everyday... Quite sad to say, these are the way things are gonna be even 20 centuries down the road. Recently 2 of my gd frens broke up with their bfs.. looking @ the way they are know reminds me of myself many months back.. tears, losing weight, the dark eye rings & feeling lost.. Haiz~ Felt so concerned, worried...wanted so much to tell them i'll be there for them juz like they were for me in the past.. As usual, i dunno how to console them, i'm not a very expressive person. Today went KTV with my frens, i can feel tat she is not happy eventhough she's smiling most of the time. (is taurus ppl always like this?!) I asked whether wad kind of relationship she is hoping for.. her answer was "tian chang di jiu" (meaning long-term - forever type of relationsip). In this case, i found out tat we have different concepts of BGR. Wad she is looking for is "tian chang di jiu" & wad i want is "chen jing yong you" I treasure the moments tat we had more den wads the ending. I'm not sure y but it's juz me..~ I did some self reflection recently.. i do admit tat i may be childish, naive thinking & most of the time i will do stuffs tat really make my parent worry. I'm not sure y i hv such a serious attitude problem.. i felt tat all i want its juz the experience, i wanna live my life to the fullest.. no matter wad sacrifices, how hard the road's gonna be... I'll take it! At least.. when the day i close my eyes.. i can tell myself "Hey, i've tried it all, it's time to leave this world~" Well, i dunno... maybe u guys thing i've not grown up yet.. i agree... but my concept stays for now.. i dunno abt the future (real stubborn character) o.O" Spoken to "him" few days ago in msn & afew thru sms.. well, he's still the same.. our concept too differs... but 1 thing for sure.. i've let go~ (dunno whether it's a gd sign or not?) Tat kind of passion... no longer existed. It's juz the memories tat r on my mind rite now.. dunno hether he's happy or not..(he better be~ it's wad he's looking for by breaking up), if not all my sacrifices will be wasted!!!! ARGH! (kidding nah) >.< Anyway.. i've learnt to take things easy now... all thanks to my past experiences... i learnt many many things! Thanks alot all my exssssssssssssss!!! U guys shown me not only these stuffs...its the WORLD! KeKE... Gtg ler... nitey ppl~
[loved you`]
at 12:13 AM
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Life's kinda different now...Within such short period of time so many things happened, my job, my life & my relationship was affected.. Lolz.. i dunno y but there's a lucky star tat is always up above looking after me. Yesterday had an arguement with my bf.. i sat silently at the place where we started our relationship. Staring at the sky asking whether will we meet again? Show me a sign, let me see him if we are meant to be together.. time passed to almost an hour later he appeared. My prince appeared, but not on a horse, not a car... but on a bicycle o.O. Haiz... at least we met, i could never forget the expressions on his face when he saw me.. tat kind of relief, happiness & longing to hug me look... Yesterday was a long nite, eventhough i spent only a few hrs there, it seems like hrs & hrs has passed.. spoken to afew of our frens & finally i'm back with my bf again. Something tat one of my fren said brought me back to my past memories.. He asked my bf "Why do u wanna change?" The ans from my bf was fast " I wanna change for her" Tat's when i saw my past. I'm not changing for anyone but myself. He i walking the path tat i've walked in the past.. I agree, everyone made mistakes, it all depends on whether the other party wans to give the other party another chance or not. I'm dying for my last chance in the past, but i was not given.. 6 mths... tat "someone" is still on my mind... thinking abt our past makes me wanna laugh & cry at the same time. For me, it dosen't matter whether are we gonna be back together again or not... he left, he took away everything, but there's something which he can never ever take away from me...Memories~ The memories of us will always be there... reminding me..giving me strength to carry on. It's ok if he dun return.. at least we once together, enjoying our moments.Now we fly our separate ways, being loved by another... still wishing him all the best, hope he's got wad he wans.. happiness....
[loved you`]
at 11:54 AM
Friday, June 08, 2007
Haiz.. been sick quite often recently..cant understand y my body juz cant stop falling ill? OMG...this stupid diarrhea has been going on like...maybe 1 month ++? Craps...imagine going to the toilet 3-5 times a day. -.-" NOw, it's finally getting better after tonnes of medication & burning cash to see various doctors.. Ha, we're not talking abt diarrhea now...its constipation!!! I cant pass out! Shucks.... ZzZzZ Plus dry cough now... *cough* *cough* *cough* everyday, day in, day out! Real pissed... So long didn't log online & play the online games... so busy with work & gotta accompany my dar.. hmmm...planning something with him..Heez~! Dun wanna announce yet...when the time is up will tell again~ kekez Guess if it really come true...it's gonna be a beautiful dream come true~ I've been waititng so long for it... =P Felt thrilled...going Taiwan soon! I'm gonna eat eat eat & shop shop shop! Heard alot of nice food & deserts in Taiwan..(all intro by my bf--which happen to be a taiwanese) LOL...keep emphasizing esp on the "bing lang mei" diaoz...those sexy sexy gals with tight mini skirts... guys..zzzzz~! Will take lotsa nice pics to show u guys~ WahhahAH
[loved you`]
at 2:27 AM
