IoPuRpLeoI

Wad It turned out to be in the end...

2008-08-09T20:33:00.003+08:00

National Day.....

Families gathering at the floating platform, couples hugging each other watching fireworks, children enjoying themselves watching those fighter planes fly past their windows... Me? Can't help but wondering are men born to make women cry in pain? WHAT A TOPIC TO THINK ABOUT!? Hai! Totally CMI!! The only pH hols i have after 2 years in my nursing line & it makes me felt so alone...so depressed. Should have gone back to work... Money is the only thing that can make me feel secure now.. Promises, sweet talks seemed so distant.. nothing interest me now, i can afford to lose anything ... Come what may attitude! But i do admit.. i'm such a loser in love life! Arghz! I give up! Wanted this & that.. at the end? Neglected the basic needs to be happy! Can't recall when is the last time i can truly rely on someone to give me happiness. Giving in, making so much efforts = blogging here with such terrible thoughts in mind. Memories haunt me every nite.. True enough, time washes away pain but can it remove scars too? Ha! Do i really have to force myself to change into someone cold... just to seek happiness? Such despair thoughts Jennifer! Sleeping & escaping the reality of life is wad i could think of now... Leaving everything to fate, not bothering.. simple hack care! Pushing things too hrd can only make things worst ya? I've gotta let it go... leaving things just as it is.

I'm Jennifer... not love's slave~

So Near.. yet felt so far...

2008-08-04T10:48:00.005+08:00

Recently, many things seems to fall in orderly manner.. may expected things are happening, life is still full of surprises. Distance between J & me seems to be getting further, is it really common & insignificant? It matters alot to me though.. i just wanna settle down.. lol.. but it just seems so distant.. so impossible. I guess it's time to move on.. twirling in circles, trying to figure out solutions after solutions will never work... Yup.. i guess no turning back now... i'm forced to move on... gotta move on~ i remembered once dad said to me... "dun hope... it will only disappoint u at the end..." i'm learning dad... dun hope.. dun expect... tat's the only way to survive.. to feel happy, satisfied~

Mind's empty now.. dun dare to think of anything else except for work, study.... dying to get my driving licence asap... LOL! finally... new car's on the way! Mom's gonna get my fav car... Honda Jazz! Eventually... the only ones tat's gonna stay by urside it's still ur family... Juz love them... Mom.. dad... & of coz my darling snowy~ once mom & dad was laughing so loudly in the living room over some silly shows.. i laughed too.. although i'm not watching... but tat kind of warmth knowing tat ur parents are happy & enjoying themselves.. makes me felt happy for them too. =) There's no place like home...

I've tried... & i'm tired... Just wanna be happy & move on... dun wanna hope.. dun wanna dream... just let fate decide... i believe someday...someone will be there... be with me. Miricles do happen when u just believe...

Am I DoInG ThE RiGhT ThInG NoW?

2008-07-29T08:22:00.002+08:00

Is it really happening??

Has been really jinxed to the core recently... not only i'm having bad luck... i even jinx J too.. totally unbelievable! Even riding in his car can cause his tires to rupture~ =.=" LOL, seriously has J ever regreted knowing me? Ever asked him before... glad that he said "nope" (haha..is it true?) Anyway, thing hasn't been going smoothly too.. many rough edges between us... trying hard to understand guy's thinking on their mind?! Can be rather frustrating sometimes... Grr! Y must guys always act so cool... calm... keeping their probs to themselves always?! Haiz! WHY!!!??? Isn't it better to talk it out? 2 brains better than 1 rite? o.O So many misunderstandings.. so many probs.. do u think we can last J? (Hah..he dosen't like it when i call him tat)...Do u think i care? (His fav phrase too, kinda miss it though..) Solutions..solutions..solutions... brain storming everyday! Moto for Jennifer in 2008 --- > To be (always) happy, cheerful! Die die cannot be moody... J's got the seclusion mode switched on whenever he's unhappy... so i gotta be happy! Neg + Pos = +ve ya?! Kekeke =P But hor... LOL (contridiction starts... ) sometimes really cannot tahan him leh!! So mood swing, like PMS loh! Wahahah.... but i do admit.. he can really make my day or he can crashed & totally destroy it! Really a tyrant King! Miss ya J!

So suay till i sprained my foot while climbing up the darn stairs... grr... somemore gotta work loh.. haiz! Luckily got bear bear hug & my fav drink!! Coffee bean--- mocha ice blended! (So heng didn't puke, stomach still feels alittle upset though-- stupid lactulose intolerant thingy!) Bur it's from J--- hee! Tasted so so sweet! Will update again soon... gtg back to work!! Ciao~

Life after life without Tyrant Jason ( Part 2)

2008-07-02T18:53:00.007+08:00

Life after life without Tyrant Jason ( Part 2)

Problems not solved yet... i felt like as though i'm not trying at all.. no solutions, this is the first time in my entire life, i'm stuck... without any plan C or D to back me up. it felt liek as though i'm not moving, not making any effort to find a solution... ha! ha! the biggest joke of all is... I HAVE NO SOLUTION?! Blank... empty.... zero! Going bonkers soon... laughing & joking, cheering everyone up in the day, screaming, crying, hiding in my bedroom at night... nv expect anyone to solve my probs or to cheer me up... just hope to see J's smile, hear his cheerful voice, sweet smses from him... but nil... nothing at all..

I admit defeat... pronounced dead in J's hands. I give up totally, he's important to me and i admit it. So much so that, his happiness, sadness and all his probs seems to be like my own... i just wan someone to understand me... its sufficient even if J's gonna keep quiet, all i need is just to lean my head on his shoulders.. he doesen't need to utter a word.. silent.. zip... i love to communicate with him using my heart.. "heart to heart talk"

Sometimes i wonder, if he ever caught me secretly staring at him... i'm just trying to capture a few more images of him & keep it in my mind.. coz after each meeting, i really have no idea when's the next time we're going to meet again... i'm afraid to ask him out... to deprive him from his own time & his feedom. Well... no point thinking so much now, i might not even get to see him anymore.... Jennifer's gonna solve her probs now... no one's gonna help you! Wake up!! Phone diverted... smses not replied... Jennifer's gonna be alone...

I'm trying hard to cope... Is it really so difficult?

2008-06-29T01:08:00.006+08:00

Life after life without tyrant Jason...

Time really flies.. 6 days had past since i've last written in this blog. Time passes so fast when i'm with J... the first 2 days without J, everyday felt like years... tears, agony and regrets... i'm glad that J didn't let me suffer for more than 3 days... glad that we're back together now...

Within just 6 days... more things happened... more stresses and things that i can't explain... things are moving so quickly that i can hardly breathe. To my surprise, i'm doing things that i cannot explain and simply unimaginable... should i say after so many incidents, i did not learn my mistakes or i'm willing to take the risk of going through another roller coaster ride? I should say, love is something that i will take my entire life & beyond to understand. It's too complex to use words to describe .. simply amazing... unfortunately, falling in & out of love too many times, i'm starting to feel........ afraid. But every serious relationships that i've been through... i 've never fail to give them 101% of my love... is it because of this reason, i got myself into all these pain? Y is it that guys falls out of love so easily? Do they feel the same pain that we gals go through??! I'm really curious.. if i ever get the chance, i would love to be a guy for once...

Being alone... i've learnt that i can trust noone except for myself... only i can protect myself from harm... i'm safe being alone. Till once... i felt safe & warm in J's arms... it's kinda difficult to explain that kind of warmth, for that moment... all my worries seems to be gone... time stops... i'm tired.. so so tired.. i just wanna stop thinking, stop deciding! I just love to heed advise from J everytime... i just wanna be a "small" woman (direct translation from mandrin), it's so fortunate to find someone that you can rely on... that is if this kind of feeling's gonna last... (ha, sound so pessimistic) Hmmm... finishing my night shift soon... last night!!!!! So happy!! I miss J so much.. don't know when we will meet up again... =.=

Haiz... can't believe i spent more den 3 hours trying to complete this blog... grrr... so many "kepos" and distraction in my workplace... =P

Life without Tyrant Jason (Day 2)

2008-06-23T02:48:00.003+08:00

Life without Tyrant Jason (Day 2)

2nd nite...finally last nite of my shift.. working at a great place today but with no reception. =.=" Decided to start writing my blog now... coz today's gonna be a busy day after late morning. Changing hp number soon.. sick & tired of starhub.. reception really cannot make it ++++.... OMG! Gotta get a new line for my workplace to be like 24hrs standby?! Glad that Singtel is having a coperate promotion for NUH...getting a new line & of coz not missing the chance to get a new hp! Sad... budget's really low now... can't get any high end phones (like the LG and Samsung model) 2 really good touch screen hps. Anyway... i can continue to dream dream dream....

Just got my annual training performance review today... haiz! Didn't do well last yr... guess there goes my bonus for July. zzzz..... At least something cheered me up.. J smsed me.. didnt expected him to, as usual... his actions are always so unexpected type... i was so happy.... =) Finally i got to smile after that day... my first smile. Got to hear J's voice for awhile just now.. eventhough it's like for a few seconds.. it's sufficient i guess. Wanted more... but i was too greedy.. called him but he didn't pick up the call. Stopped redialling after 2 calls... the word "nuiscance" kept repeating & repeating over my mind.... don't wanna be 1 anymore... he fell asleep i guessed... it's been a long tiring day for him...

Going to visit James later... dunno wad he wanted to say, specially request for my visit the 2nd time. Really have no idea what to say to him later.... i'm like so blank rite now! Kept thinking of my own problems... i'm stressed enough.. mind's already fully occupied by J. Recently found this new song sang by Zhou Ding Wei - Yu gan, i think it's a very old song previously sang by Eason. It reflected exactly how i felt.. really nice song. Almost 500 songs in my iPod... kept listening to only 2 songs, Eason Chan's song (J just love listening to it) and Yu gan... it felt rather nice coz while listening to it.. it's like J's around me. Really miss him lots... dunno whether will it rain later on? Walking under the rain felt really good.. juz wanna be alone... listening to tat song with tat feeling of J's prescence around me.

Oh my... been writing this blog for quite sometime.. gotta stop now.. Sweet Dreams J.

Life without Tyrant Jason (Day 1)

2008-06-22T09:30:00.005+08:00

Life without Tyrant Jason (Day 1)

16 hours.. no smses, no calls... kept thinking when was the last time i saw J..? Don't understand, how come i can't remember anything? Just reached hm after night shift, didn't rest well yesterday & surprisingly i'm not tired now.... Last nite was a really good nite, only about a handful of patients, was glad that i managed to find my songs & updated my blog... few frens tried to talk to me, i felt bad coz 3/4 of the time i wasn't even listening to them... images of J kept flashing on my mind.. really miss him so much....

Started to rain @ 0630hrs during work.... everything seems so grey, so gloomy... is it because of the weather or it's me? Left my workplace, walking under the rain have never felt so good.. when rain drops kept dripping down my face, it merges with my tears.... can't tell that i'm crying. How i wish i could just fall ill, take some drowsy medications that could make me sleep...only in my dreams, i might get a chance to see J again.. wondering what is he doing now? Is he still coughing badly? Ate already? Back then, i will always ask him these few questions everyday... although he is so much more older then me... i'm still worried... concerned. Arghz! Jennifer get some sleep!! God! Have some mercy on me...

Life without Tyrant Jason (The Beginning)

2008-06-21T19:27:00.006+08:00

Life without Tyrant Jason (The Beginning)

It's been 2 hours since we have last spoken... although it seems short, it's the beginning of a long winter without a fireplace, without tyrant J. I can never forget how he introduced himself to me on our first day... Ha ha! J sounded like a pervertic, disgusting old man tat wanted to flirt with young girls... seriously, i was kinda turned off @ that moment, i'm actually speechless... Luckily, it was a fake.. wad a nice & unforgetable way of an introduction.. that's how i've got hooked... the sweetest smses and a caring and soothing voice that really melts my heart.. Of coz, beautiful things never last.. here i am now, talking to myself and my blog all alone. It hurts deeply till only 2 drops of tears came down after my last sms for him. The only comforting moment was the thought of me (the pain) getting off his ass, not creating more stresses, giving him his personal space that i have been trying to invade for the past month. I have thought of many many ways.. what can i do to get J's attention? How can i make him happier and what else i can do to improve myself? Many nights at the void deck spending hrs down below... i've finally realised last night! J needs his breathing space.. Jennifer is the reason for all the unhappiness. I did something today that broke my heart.. the first time Jennifer lied to J.... to find a reason to leave... Haiz! It's gonna be uncomfortable with J by my side... giving me his "royal speech", a piece of mind... all the "Bull shits!" What i am suppose to do? I'm left with 2 choices.. it's either i continue to fight or i flight... instead of pulling him together into the agony pond, i rather drown alone.. Love's just so amazing.... sometimes loving someone dosen't mean that u gotta have tat person by urside 24/7, its.... is he happy? It's really not easy to understand a person well.. so far, i only know tat J needs his personal space (huge personal space) and i'm someone who needs lots of care & attention... so, the question is y make 2 persons suffer when its better for just 1 to be? I've nothing left in memory of him.. only his pics in friendster and this song........ click --> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5yLJ0rWSIA

The BloG AfTeR My ExAm DaY... (ShouLd It Be A HaPpY OnE?)

2008-06-17T00:21:00.002+08:00

Time flies, 1 semster of my Bachelor of nursing is gone... there goes my 6k. It felt like as though i have just started the course...as though i have just celebrated my birthday =) I remembered, i started this course at the month of my birthday.. at that moment it's like a dream come true, i've always wanted to study and to upgrade myself , i love to play and have fun (who dosen't ya?) but i promised myself... at the sametime i want to be a smart girl.. play hard & play smart. Geez... time really flies, i'm half a year older in school & of coz my age too! Just completed my sem 1 exam yesterday, the paper was really hard though... hated open ended essay questions with no right or wrong answers... each weigh about 30-40 marks each! It's really tedious.. arghz! Haiz, how i wish someone can really share my happiness with me (for completing my 1st sem), its really not easy.. work like a cow in hospital & gotta study like a dog in school.... contributing to the animal farm... my bf called me piggy... (well thanks alot!!)

Back in school today, it's been like 2 months since i've last seen my classmates.... (the few old gals that we used to hang about during our NYP time), the first question was like "Hey i think u have lost weight" --- HA! HA! HA! U'll never know how wonderful it felt after hearing those comments!! (OMG... it was like....WOW!) But... the 2nd question was... haiz! They asked about James.. when will he be coming out & are we still seeing each other.... i guess it's been like a long time since i have last updated them. The only 2 words i've said was..... It's Over~ i kept quiet all the way thereafter... trying hard to change the sour atmosphere they tried to switch topics... (they're really nice) nevertheless...they made me smile...at least~ Keke!

Everything's starting anew now... new advancement in my career (so far so good), new advancement to sem 2 of my degree course (hopefully---praying hard not to waste another 6k to repeat!), living a life now at home without any maid... doing housework. I spent like 23 years of my life with a maid to help out at hm... now it's like a sudden lost... 2 months ago i remembered i broke down & cried after watching David Tao's concert with my best pal outside Kallang indoor stadium.. i couldn't cope, just couldn't cope at all! Mummy was like devastated, daddy was so helpless and everyone was like putting all the responsiblity on my shoulders... so many things happened at the same time... i'm really lost~ Thank god for giving me such a strong faith in believing that miracles will happen if i believe... only through determinations and strong will, no matter how bad things turns out to be... i'm able to cope! Lucky me... i've got the optimistic inheritance from daddy~

Well... trying to take things lightly now... although sometimes at night when everyone's asleep, that's the time when all the painful memories haunts me... trying to say i think too much? Cultivating bad habits like not sleeping at night? Well... even the sleep clinic couldn't help me much except for prescribing me tons & tons of sleeping tablets & muscle relaxants. I know, the day i'm able to let go.... it's the day i can sleep soundly at night. Many a times i've tried to open up myself.. sharing my thoughts with someone close... but i guess before i could speak out, my silence simply made the other party wanna end the conversation... LOL~ Hmmm... it's better to keep things to myself i think... =) I guess i'm still happy... happy with the things that i've got now... happy with my life (though it's quite hard to walk sometimes)... once in awhile just let me release my accumulated agony within me... i suppose i will be fine with it~

Ahem... it's like 1 am now.. gotta wake up early tml... let's end here. (",)

How natural can natural be natural?? Sheez...wad m i talking about?!

2008-06-10T23:21:00.002+08:00

Hmmm.. Just felt like wrtting something in my blog.. but don't really know how to start. Should i say... its something happy or......... its another test that i have to go through? Recently did some soul searching, for the past 10 years... i'm always searching for better things and asking for more... at the end, i asked myself what did i managed to achieve? The cruelty of reality? The dark side of human nature? In fact, i'm losing what i've already had. The same question has been repeating in my mind... What can i do to make myself happier? I'm willing to give up anything... Finally, i've got the answer... i've got to give up the greediness in me.. Pondering over unhappy pasts and wanting more will never lead me to happiness. I've gotta love myself more... I wanna be me... myself!

Kinda love my life now.. i've got more time for myself. I don't have to pretend and don't wanna pretend to be happy anymore... letting go of the past and let everything be more natural makes life more simple... =) Hmmm.. this phrase sounded familiar... =.=" i know where it's from... my bf! Oh man... it's just like 2 weeks ++ and i've got his virus?! Ok la.. gotta give him some "Credit" .. haha! If he's not the joker type, i guess i'm gonna get more depressed. Being with him, i've learnt to be more "independent" too..... if u know wad i mean??? (*grumble*...*grumble*...*grumble*...)

I need a break! So tired...... i guess i hv been saying this sentence since last yr? It's like my dream to travel around with someone special.. It's like just the 2 of us... Haiz! How long do i have to wait??? It's like something always stops me from going... it's either noone is avaliable to accompany me or i'm broke for that month or i've got no leave!! Sounds really dumb... my stupid shift work is driving me nuts! Can't behave like a normal person.. work on weekends, turning into nocturnal beings which made me looked really withered... saw a few strands of white hair with pimples popping out yesterday... ARGHZ!! Kkz... gonna end here... my colleague waiting for me for my breaktime!! Keke..i'm 20mins late! (as usual) =P

Rapid changes... i'm beginning to get frighten...Lost

2008-06-04T05:36:00.004+08:00

I'm beginning to feel the stress and exhaustion recently.. No matter how hard my road can be, i have never ever had this kind of feelings before. I'm seriously disturbed by all those ridiculous thoughts that keep flashing across my mind, used to think tat life will be different without "the special person" in my life. I'm damn wrong.. so so wrong. The ups & downs of life still existed, friends, love still comes in & out of my life... When i finally felt the sweetness in life, that kind of wonderful feeling will be gone next. Crying and sharing with people is something that i've stopped doing... I'm tired of repeating the same kind of stories over & over again, can't even remember when is the last time i really cried. No doubt, intermittently... i still shed a few drops of tears when i'm alone. The only time when i felt quiet and safe is when i'm sitting alone at my fav place under my blk.. hard to explain the serenity i felt.. listening to my ipod, smoking and staring at the blue blue sky. At tat moment, i m able to pull myself out of the stresses of life and travel into another dimension... my own world. Darn... sounded really emo now! LOL... its a blog yea? Suppose to share the inner thoughts... still trying trying... trying real hard...

Am I who I am now...?

2008-05-03T08:14:00.002+08:00

2 long months have passed.. OMG~ seems like 20 years ago i've last seen my bf. Things dosen't seems rite now, So many things had happened, my surrounding seems blurry.. i'm losing my way or rather i'm already lost... Sometimes i sat alone thinking is it because i'm lonely? I miss him? or i don't know what i actually wanted... i don't dare to think.. keeping myself fully occupied, sometimes i feel like as though i'm like an NS man.. Chiong! Chiong! Chiong! does nothing but Chiong.. LOL~ Smoking more then usual.. indulge in alcohol now, hoping someday there's a drink which can numb all my pain. Requesting long working hours... going to school to study study study! Ha... seriously i don't know how i managed to survive, sleeping less than 10 hours every week.. i can't slp, dun wanna slp... everytime i closes my eyes.. i'm so helpless! All my stresses & my bf's face is suffocating me.. i can't breathe.... I used to cry everyday.. misses him so much... thinking that i really missed him so much...then y did i stop crying now? Where have all the tears gone? Have i reached my limit? Do i really miss him or i'm just not used to life without him...

HapPy To be & Be.. ALIVE.

2008-03-15T23:26:00.003+08:00

It's been 4 days since i hv meet & spoken to my bf... Missing his smile, his dumb & lame expression when he trys to make me smile, the irritating side of him when he is hyperactive & can really be so irritating coz he just cant shut up for 1 min! We've been through so many tests... every obsticle was really hard to pass through. Will our tears & hardship lead us to a happily ever after? I believed, everything tat's happening to us are pre-designed...tat's fate! Everything's fair, when u want something, u hv to sacrifice another.

Through these yrs... i 've seen many ugly sides of human beings. Even in animals.. i've seen tortise climbing on each other's head just to stick it's head out of water to breathe. I'll nv forget that scene, suffocating it's own species for survival. Just like those ppl around us, back-stabbing each other, making life's real hard for those who are more soft-hearted. Tat's the real world... only the toughest survive! Sounds really harsh & cruel though... haha. It's ok..come wad may... i will take it... standing upright! I've heard a phrase from a fren... the only way to be "HAPPY", is to be "SATISFIED".
A greedy person will nv hv any satisfaction in life & will miss out many wonderful things tat's happening ard... it's damn true! I just love this phrase!

Tat's all for today... gotta slp now. AM shift tml.. Nite ppl...nite dear!

The road's getting harder...It's only the beginning!~

2008-03-14T01:31:00.004+08:00

Hmm..guess it's been a month ++ since i've last updated my blog. Life's getting really hectic these
days. Gotta work, school, family time and of coz some private moments with my bf. 24 hrs it's really
not enough fir me, wouldn't it be so nice if there's 30hrs a day?! (LOL...quit dreaming =P)

Someone once told me, dun look back Jennifer, work hard for ur future & let's not let our tears to waste. If tat someone's reading my blog now... just wanna tell u, Yea i'm working real hard now... wad about u? I'm climbing steadily.. should say thanks to u, without u, i will never ever learn the word "independent". Of coz, life's never easy, especially mine... so many things changed in a split sec leaving me no time to adjust. I guess i'm like a abandoned dog on the street, given me home, love & warm bed.. now, just throw me out in the street to adapt & "be independent"! LOL.. glad tat i've made it, although i'm bruised, tortured & tasted the bitter & sweet of life...i'm proud to say, yes! I can walk on my own!

Used to hv a few good frens around me, sad to say.. due to my rotating shifts.. i've strayed away from all of my frens.. it's just my family, my snowy & of coz James.. my dear who is aways there (although sometimes not physically) for me to vent all my stress & anger on, eventhough he knows tat is not his fault at all. Really wanna say thanks so so much!

Definately.. good stuffs dun last long ya? God gave u something nice to hv a taste of it & he takes it away...telling u... "if u wan it back, strive hard for it!" Mom & dad going off for a business trip.. will be back maybe a mth's time? or even longer... i really dunno.. James stucked with his NS stuffs...not gonna be out for at least 6 mths ++... not contactable...no book out. Ha.. i'm really on my own now... gotta tell myself i will survive!

I'm gonna make it... no matter how long it takes.. how hard it's gonna be.. even i'll bleed to death... i'll walk my path with no regrets.. i hv faith in God... i know, every mistakes made = a lesson learnt! Someday... i'll definately find my way to happiness & peaceful life! =) I hv trust... !

I'll be missing my dear...so so much! I'll be here... waiting! till u're back.. den our life begin!

HAppY BiRtHdAY JenN!

2008-02-12T01:02:00.000+08:00

KeKe...actually my bday was yesterday... *sob* *sob* the day past so so fast =( Hmm... this yr not much ppl celebrated with me.. was just my dear, his friends... & of coz my best pal samntha & my loving family always!! Although this yr's event was not really interesting, the time spent was really to the fullest!!! LOL... Play mahjong the whole night..went geylang to eat at 2 am!! Shiok!! The most important of all... no more bad luck on my birthday!! Haiz for the past few yrs.. i got really frightened when my bday's approaching coz i will always quarrel with my bf... Now NO MORE!! YES! I really dunno how i mnage to overcome it...but who cares rite?! As long as it's over! Thank god for all the things tat i hv... especially for giving me such wonderful family! 23 yrs old ler... getting older & older & older!! OMG! o.O
So many to do with so little time!! Gotta move on!!

It's Been So So LoNg... OMG o.O

2008-01-11T00:52:00.000+08:00

Gosh..it's been so long since i've last updated my blog.. -.- It's been a long & slow yr end for me. Many things happen, made me stronger & forcing the courage within me to step out & settle problems myself. No longer walking & sheltered under the warmth of my parents. Eventhough, i still love them alot..always there for me eventhough i've been a very very naughty girl!

Lots of stress recently.. workload is becoming like x3 times the day i've joined NUH. More & more ppl are getting sick.. everything increases Taxi fares, medical bills, food & even toilet tax increases! Oh man~! Everything except the number of doctors & nurses. I really dun understand WHY!?

Mmm..tried to talk to "him" for the past 2 months, on & off seeing him in msn... sad to say i still dun hv the courage to talk to him. Juz on & off simple greetings... hopefully i could get juz a "thanks" from him.. But? Who knows... things changed.. haiz.. he's different now. I think he's better off alone..(perhaps not with me ard). Continuing to move on with our lives... keep thinking of 2009. Will he be there? Will i see something different? BIG QUESTION MARK!?

Hey! Stop the sighing & Emo one corner stuffs! Freak! My Bday's coming!! YEA!!! Getting older soon -.-" Febuary..........HERE I COME!!!!

Can I really treat this as a cool off time?!

2007-10-30T00:46:00.000+08:00

It's 1 week since i have last met my bf.. really missed him so so much. Him being away, i'm sure he has he's reasons.. But this kinda feeling it's really unbearable... it's not like i've gotta see him everyday. No news, no contact... nothing at all.. Seems like he has ran away rite? All i know is he's gonna be back...the only thing is...when will it be? When can we meet again? I really have no
idea... When can i see him again? I would give up anything...in exchange to know how he is
now...juz to see him once. It hurts...it really hurts...

Missed u so much... I'll be waiting... waiting...waiting...

SeEing ThInGs ChAnGiNg EvErYdaY....

2007-09-27T00:13:00.000+08:00

Gosh.. things surrounding me are really moving fast.. relationships, friendships even families are being split-up everyday... Quite sad to say, these are the way things are gonna be even 20 centuries down the road. Recently 2 of my gd frens broke up with their bfs.. looking @ the way they are know reminds me of myself many months back.. tears, losing weight, the dark eye rings & feeling lost.. Haiz~ Felt so concerned, worried...wanted so much to tell them i'll be there for them juz like they were for me in the past.. As usual, i dunno how to console them, i'm not a very expressive person.

Today went KTV with my frens, i can feel tat she is not happy eventhough she's smiling most of the time. (is taurus ppl always like this?!) I asked whether wad kind of relationship she is hoping for.. her answer was "tian chang di jiu" (meaning long-term - forever type of relationsip). In this case, i found out tat we have different concepts of BGR. Wad she is looking for is "tian chang di jiu" & wad i want is "chen jing yong you" I treasure the moments tat we had more den wads the ending. I'm not sure y but it's juz me..~ I did some self reflection recently.. i do admit tat i may be childish, naive thinking & most of the time i will do stuffs tat really make my parent worry. I'm not sure y i hv such a serious attitude problem.. i felt tat all i want its juz the experience, i wanna live my life to the fullest.. no matter wad sacrifices, how hard the road's gonna be... I'll take it! At least.. when the day i close my eyes.. i can tell myself "Hey, i've tried it all, it's time to leave this world~"

Well, i dunno... maybe u guys thing i've not grown up yet.. i agree... but my concept stays for now.. i dunno abt the future (real stubborn character) o.O"

Spoken to "him" few days ago in msn & afew thru sms.. well, he's still the same.. our concept too differs... but 1 thing for sure.. i've let go~ (dunno whether it's a gd sign or not?) Tat kind of passion... no longer existed. It's juz the memories tat r on my mind rite now.. dunno hether he's happy or not..(he better be~ it's wad he's looking for by breaking up), if not all my sacrifices will be wasted!!!! ARGH! (kidding nah) >.<
Anyway.. i've learnt to take things easy now... all thanks to my past experiences... i learnt many many things! Thanks alot all my exssssssssssssss!!! U guys shown me not only these stuffs...its the WORLD! KeKE... Gtg ler... nitey ppl~

BaCk InTo BloGgInG AgaIn

2007-09-13T11:54:00.000+08:00

Life's kinda different now...

Within such short period of time so many things happened, my job, my life & my relationship was affected.. Lolz.. i dunno y but there's a lucky star tat is always up above looking after me. Yesterday had an arguement with my bf.. i sat silently at the place where we started our relationship. Staring at the sky asking whether will we meet again? Show me a sign, let me see him if we are meant to be together.. time passed to almost an hour later he appeared. My prince appeared, but not on a horse, not a car... but on a bicycle o.O. Haiz... at least we met, i could never forget the expressions on his face when he saw me.. tat kind of relief, happiness & longing to hug me look... Yesterday was a long nite, eventhough i spent only a few hrs there, it seems like hrs & hrs has passed.. spoken to afew of our frens & finally i'm back with my bf again.

Something tat one of my fren said brought me back to my past memories.. He asked my bf "Why do u wanna change?" The ans from my bf was fast " I wanna change for her" Tat's when i saw my past. I'm not changing for anyone but myself. He i walking the path tat i've walked in the past.. I agree, everyone made mistakes, it all depends on whether the other party wans to give the other party another chance or not. I'm dying for my last chance in the past, but i was not given..

6 mths... tat "someone" is still on my mind... thinking abt our past makes me wanna laugh & cry at the same time. For me, it dosen't matter whether are we gonna be back together again or not... he left, he took away everything, but there's something which he can never ever take away from me...Memories~ The memories of us will always be there... reminding me..giving me strength to carry on. It's ok if he dun return.. at least we once together, enjoying our moments.

Now we fly our separate ways, being loved by another... still wishing him all the best, hope he's got wad he wans.. happiness....

FeLt SiCk...

2007-06-08T02:27:00.000+08:00

Haiz.. been sick quite often recently..cant understand y my body juz cant stop falling ill? OMG...this stupid diarrhea has been going on like...maybe 1 month ++? Craps...imagine going to the toilet 3-5 times a day. -.-" NOw, it's finally getting better after tonnes of medication & burning cash to see various doctors.. Ha, we're not talking abt diarrhea now...its constipation!!! I cant pass out! Shucks.... ZzZzZ Plus dry cough now... *cough* *cough* *cough* everyday, day in, day out! Real pissed... So long didn't log online & play the online games... so busy with work & gotta accompany my dar.. hmmm...planning something with him..Heez~! Dun wanna announce yet...when the time is up will tell again~ kekez Guess if it really come true...it's gonna be a beautiful dream come true~ I've been waititng so long for it... =P Felt thrilled...going Taiwan soon! I'm gonna eat eat eat & shop shop shop! Heard alot of nice food & deserts in Taiwan..(all intro by my bf--which happen to be a taiwanese) LOL...keep emphasizing esp on the "bing lang mei" diaoz...those sexy sexy gals with tight mini skirts... guys..zzzzz~! Will take lotsa nice pics to show u guys~ WahhahAH

It's BeEn So So LOnG

2007-05-28T15:13:00.000+08:00

I didn't realised tat my last update was all the way in April... have i been so busy?! LOLx.... Miss those students days, where everything seems so "less stressful", not much worries. Nowadays, tonnes & tonnes of responsibilities & burdens keeps loading on my back... felt really heavy, many times wanted to collapse & give up on everything...ha~ den i realised it will not work at all.
Haix, well life gotta go on.....looking forward for a better life~

The Story of Him..& Him....

Lolx.. real funny & weird... how come someone could turn so cold & promises be broken so easily? Everything seems like an illusion... gone just like tat. Used to felt so lucky, thot tat i could finally settle down & things are so diferent now. True, looking forward the future makes us move on with life.... ever thot of looking back & not making the same mistakes again? Didn't quite know wad went wrong in the past...till tat day i realised, the only problem between us...is my existance~
I admit, i hv been avoiding all those painful decisions to let go... look busy, act happy but it's hollow inside.. hahax, it's been so many months... only on tat day i decided to stand up & face the truth. He's Gone... & will never return again....

Going on with my life with another "him" now... not much to say abt this relationship till den...will update again.

ThiNgs HaVe ChangEd... M I GetTiNg UseD To ThE ChaNgES?

2007-04-23T02:04:00.000+08:00

Well...he's gone.. no longer waiting for the promise. Dunno whether will we be able to meet up again.. fate really can make lovers go round & round the bush & at the end = no outcome. Sad.. confused or should i say i'm really disappointed? Felt cold and numbed, wondering why do i have to keep facing such terrible experiences? Haiz.. is it really so difficult? Dun dare to think abt it, keep walking forward... nv ever tot of turning my head around and think of the past. Hmm.. i still believed tat the "someone" will come... Focusing on how to live my life to the fullest... i wan every min of my life to be occupied. Difficult...almost impossible.. but i'm still striving hard to do it. Many things happened recently.. arguements, disappointments, stresses of life.. lifting my head up, trying to breathe!! I'm getting the hang of being independent, nv would i wanna live like the past anymore.... NEVER! Be happy~ Be strong~ tats wad i would tell myself everytime when noone's beside me.. i can do it! No matter wad it takes... Well... hopefully i can update more happy stuffs next time again.. i hope so~~~ Nitey... its late..& i m darn tired.

Wad's WrOnG WiF PpL...?

2007-04-16T01:13:00.000+08:00

Well... today was the first day i started work after a long hospitalisation leave.. Everything turned out not too bad.. at least i m satisfied, not too busy... quite a nice shift eventhough there are alot of stand-by cases. Craps... the day hv to spoiled by childish, ungrateful ppl... dunno why i hv to be the 1 tat keeps forgiving & giving giving.... where mean & ungrateful immature bratz come take take take... OMG.. i m really really really....pissed! Boiling from head to toe.... ARGH! If its not for someone... i would never ever ever get involved in such ppl.... DAMN! Haiz... i really muz cool down... everyday like tis i 'm gonna get old soon with all the wrinkles.... yucks~

Miss him so so much... wanted him by my side so badly but i know its totally impossible.. Many a times my tears wanted to fall... i forced it back... coz i promised myself i would nv ever let myself to be so weak again.. i muz be strong & stand up! Even if i need to stand alone...so be it. He left me here alone to face everything myself.. so be it. Jennifer will make it... i know i will, no matter wad i nid to sacrifice, i will do it. Juz to show u i can do it~! Not for u .... but for me. Wadever it is... my answer will still be the same, i'll be waiting.

Life's so unpredictable... I wanna do it before i start to regret. By the time its gonna be too late...

UpDaTiNg aFtEr So lOnG...

2007-04-09T22:35:00.000+08:00

Finally after such a long time managed to update my blog... thinking back those days my life was so bitter & all i hv was this blog to accompany me. But now, things r different, i realised no point keep living in the shadows of the past... wondering y muz i go through so much to realise this? I fell & hurt myself real deep... and now, this Jennifer has stood up with her own 2 feet. M i suppose to be glad? (I hope so??)

Really treasured the times spent with my frenz... they brighten up my lives...been there for me when i was down. Been doing stuffs tat the past Jennifer would never do.. Cycling all the way in East Coast Park? Going all the way to Sentosa? Hmm... its really fun actually~! LOLx.. Should i say its really really fun!? Things felt different now.... juz wanan share wif u guys the beautiful moments.. no longer tears, depressions and painful memories... guess time really could wash away all pains. (Its not easy though... so so hard & painful to step out of the ring)

Love ya guys so much~~ (",)

ThiNgs hAs BeeN coMplIcaTeD LaTeLy...

2007-03-18T22:26:00.000+08:00

Haiz... really hate to start my blog with a *sign*... so many things has happened to me recently, work has not been smooth.. strive so hard, fell ill and yet things r taken for granted. Beginning to felt my existance there is such a burden. Tried so hard to familiarise with the environment..will miss the department if i m gonna leave them. Love the job very much but sometimes we gotta make decisions tat it's against our will... =(

Went to my fren's wedding today...felt so happy for her! Bless u Juli~! Wish ya all the best in ur marriage! Envy tat she has found the man of her life.. when will it be my turn? LOL.. tat seems so far away! When will my prince come? I know someday he will appear... not on a white horse! Its in a car in this new era... *blehz* ----> Sports car i hope! =P Well.... dun wanna TTM (Think too much) later go siao... let nature take its course... life will find a way! Tired le... juz got home, gonna take a bath & rest! Will update soon... (i hope) Hee.... Nite~!

A poSt foR thE raInY Day

2007-03-15T16:39:00.000+08:00

Just got back from work...real tired, its been a really stressful & busy week. Glad tat things r staring to change now... at least i can manage my assignment better. Hah.. Y r the people in S'pore getting so sickly? Just dun understand...come all the way to A&E just because of a small finger cut or cough. Haiz...

Really miss those times when i can hang around with my frenz..eating, shopping & going KTV! Now, its just slping, eating & working...OMG! damn shagged everytime after work... I WANT MY LIFE BACK!! *sob* *sob*

As for him... i'm still trying hard. Sitting at the void deck with the cool wind in my face felt great... thinking of him. I'm happy with just tat.

HaPPy for u? OR for myself?

2007-03-07T13:49:00.000+08:00

Do look kinda silly nowadays...on & off relapse of painful memories. Dunno why ppl say tat memories r beautiful in a way.. to me, it depends on how individual view it. Sat quietly on my kitchen floor last nite, holding a bowl of noodles... eating happily & suddenly images of him flashed across my mind. Trying hard to occupy myself with work work work...never have i been so hardworking in my life, requesting for more shifts, working payless OTs. LOLZ... but there r still moments when my mind gets to think of him... Well, really hard to describe the kind of feeling i have for him now.. the pain, love, hate & strangling times are over... only left with 3 drops of tears tat i shed for him last nite. Doing wad my heart tells me to its a taboo for me now! Not letting my emotions run over me...driving me crazy,suffocating me. I must be rationale...the way i m acting in the past is like a little girl, longing for love..longing for someone to lean on... where i thot i found 1, i started falling...hurt myself real deep. Den i realised the only person i can rely on is myself. Always hv to learn my lesson the hard and painful way... There is no clever or stupidity in love..only willingly or not. Tats y, i believe wad i hv done in the past for him....no point bringing it up. He will return, if he truly understands the real meaning behind this story... Sacrifical is necessary to survive in this world.. it differes only in each human being is tat whom u will like to sacrifice... True, cruel world we are living in.. sad to say, its now den i hv the courage to face it. Jennifer has to grow up... no longer living in the warmth of my parent's love... I hv learnt to protect myself...

~Things tat's not beneficial 4 our good upbringing...it's not worth to keep it in mind. ~

All WoUnDs HeAls WiTh TiMe....

2007-03-01T11:15:00.000+08:00

My WoRld...

I was so lost, so confused the day that he has chosen to leave me... till today, i couldn't really understand why is tat so. Used to keep asking myself thousands & thousands of Why Why Why??... no answers...... this only made me more confused & i found tat i lost myself...the real Jennifer. Always believed tat with determination nothing cannot be done... but has forgotten the fact tat in relationship, everything is mutual... it takes both hands to clap. Nothing can be done alone, eventhough i hv strong will & determination. Kept questioning myself, how much do i trust him? So many things could happen within this 2 yrs of our promise... will he be the person tat i used to love? Will i still love him as much? LoL...all these questions are killing me... draining all my energy, drowning me till i can't breathe! Heard so many stories, life experiences & found out many truths of our break-up.. its den i realised tat, i'm exausted... feeling real hurt and numbed. I dun wanna think anymore... leave it be. Be it we will ever meet again in the future, i'll be wad i m now... I'm Jennifer... Silly silly me... i've done wad i can do & wad i shouldn't do at all... it's up to fate now to judge. If our love is so true... we will be back together! Learnt many things from my fren, many things in life we can't keep in our mind all the time, things tat should be forgotten, let it be forgottened.. learning not to think to much & letting things go...make our lives more happier. (got this advise from a really experienced and knowledgeable, 7 yrs fren) Really thank him so much, without these words, i guess i will still be like...ARGH! Can't imagine!
I'm done...i'm through....Letting nature takes it's course. I'm so hurt...need time to heal..

WelCome tO ThE ReaLiTy JenN...

2007-02-22T01:08:00.000+08:00

Well...Been & back from M'sia.. real hot weather + no hot water to bathe...-.- (water heater spoiled) Haiz...finally, fell ill~ Craps..till now still on & off feverish. Lucky special remedy from "his" mom...i felt better now~! (Thanks auntie!!) Ha..Ha..

Whoa..no really like myself nowadays.. dunno y? Is it the girls thingy again? Mood Swing? PMS? Dunno..can't really differentiate them anymore. Crappy feeling, felt like crying & crying & crying.. DuH! Is it really true tat Aquarius gals like to cry lots lots? Hmm...perhaps? Haiz...been a real loser for the past 2 months ++, guessed not only my frens and "He" is getting pissed... Me too!! Can't stand myself sometimes.. y fall in love & stuck myself in it so easily? Something is diferent about him...something is there which really attracts me.. made me wanna be with him so much! Achieved nothing much this time...only thing i m proud of myself is a found 2 new best frens which stayed by me..through all the sobbings, naggings and story tellings.. They r really a dear to me... so grateful to hv them by my side. 1 of them told me.. which i find it really true.. i m leaving in my own lies.. my world is full of lies... all lies tat i used to console myself.. i'm living in my own fantasy, setting traps & falling into it. Wad she said was darn true... i rather take it easy now, live & change for myself...after tat 2 yrs, if i'm back together with him, its a bonus for me! In this way, i believe i will treasure our relationship more & definately be so much more happier. Rather then changing for the sake of being with him and anticipating for tat 2 yrs. Yea... i guessed this will be the way... Take wads given to me as a bonus & not for granted. I loved it~! Muacks! Love ya words so much gal! I must heal...heal...heal...ASAP! Keke..b4 i start to rot! Hopefully....soon.... Welcome to the harsh & cold reality Jenn!
BUT! I still believe.... although in this harsh world.. i shall be my own light, my warmer! =)

Nitey...

My Wish Came TrUe...

2007-02-14T00:27:00.000+08:00

HapPiEst DAy oF ThE YEar 2007~!

On my brithday 11th Feb 2007, was the happiest day. Gosh after all the terrible things tat happened last yr...finally, something fortunate happened in my life.... and they are my group of frens...~! Girls, u gals are the best, thanks for being there when i'm all alone. Being here always supporting me...Love u gals so much!! *Muacks* LoL.. really grateful to god to let me hv such wonderful family & frens!

My Wish came true!

For those who hv wondered whether did he celebrate my birthday with me? Yea~! He did! OMG, u can nv ever imagine how excited & happy i was tat day! After so long, we finally met, he gave me a surprise tat i nv ever would hv dreamt of since "tat day". A beautiful diamond neckless! Its so wonderful... everything was like as though i m dreaming...dying not to wake up, so afraid tat everything would juz disappear! As usual, good times ends fast... dunno when i will get to meet him again. =( Sad though...but i will still wait...wait for the day we meet up again! Eventhough time is nv enough with him by my side... i m grateful tat he's beside me during my birthday. its enough...i'm satisfied!

I Miss u Bi~! (I'll +U +U for the future!)

Well, going back to my hometown to avoid Valentine's Day in S'pore! Gosh, dun wanna be drowned by SG lovers manz! -.-" Haiz...be back only after 1st day of CNY... Will update soon! Nitey! time to slp, waking up early for the long 8 hrs drive to M'sia....(Craps!)

*(Nite Bi)*

DreAmt EverYNiGHt....(abT HiM)

2007-02-05T23:06:00.000+08:00

Fell in love with a song recently...Britney Spears's Everytime. It really suits me well...relating the both of us...things tat i wanted to tell him. Work...and tests and expectations had really stressed me to the max.. not including the deepest pain in my heart. Did many many things, seems like nothing works at all... striving hard not to give up and definately not thinking about it. Life's short...wanted to live my life to the fullest... experience all the wonderful and painful ways of life. Learning each lesson and try not making the same mistakes again... the prob now is, no more chances given to me... i wan to make it up, i plead for a 2nd chance... to show the new and determined me.. tat's y i want to delegate this song to him...

Britney Spears (Everytime)

Notice me.. take my hand
Why r we, strangers when, our love is strong...why carry on without me
Everytime i tried, as if i fall without my wings i feel so small
Guessed i need u Baby....
Everytime i see...u in my dreams, i see ur face...it's haunting me...
Guessed i need u Baby...

I make believe..tat u r here...
It's the only way... i see clear...
What have i done?! U seemed to move on easy.....

Everytime i tried, as if i fall without my wings i feel so small...
Guessed i need u Baby...
Everytime i see u in my dreams i see ur face...U're haunting me..
Guessed i need u Baby!

I may hv make it break....Pls Forgive Me!
My weakness caused u pain...and this song's My Sorry!

I miss u so much...nite Bi (I'm still waiting)

ThE LiGhT's R GeTtIng BrIghTER

2007-02-03T16:20:00.000+08:00

GeTting to KnoW MoRe...
Yesterday was really BAD DAY for me... was really sick with high fever and a bad throat infection. Haiz! Till nite, it got worst... really missed him so much, tried to talk to him but his replies were barely sufficient for me. Sad... didnt know he got a bad day at work, mood was really low...dunno is it because of me tat is causing him to be so stressed. I counted, for the past few months we barely spoke to each other... guess i was really lonely yesterday till i got alittle more into our relationship probs and tat got him pissed. *SoB* Manz..when can i learn to be more like him? So cool, so straight forward and i cant even sense any love and concern from him anymore. =(

Games
All the games tat i love to play were gone... my interest in playing them went away together with him. When i looked back.. i laughed at myself, all these yrs wad i so called "interest" changes when i change my bf too. Wad they liked i learn hard to like it too.. till now, i'm alone i hv not even a slightest idea wads my likings anymore. So, turned back to MapleStory...coz this is where i & him met each other. This is where he virtually "propose" to me. I saw our engagement ring.. i remembered on my 21st bday he bought the maplecard and wished me Happy birthday on the mainscreen! I was so so touched...nv in my life would i forget tat moment! How i wished...every yr such special moment can continue on & on....

Eventhough now i focus more on work, family & frens... he is always on my mind...every min..every sec.. wad abt him? (I dun dare to answer this question anymore) Things have changed.. it's not as simple as we hv 1st started.... **I'm scared... frightened...i want him..want him by my side...**

SiCk..SiCk...SiCk...

2007-02-02T11:29:00.000+08:00

Oh man...

Haiz... down with fever, flu and a bad sorethroat... Guessed i hv made fren with the flu virus. Pengz! -.-" Man...nid to burn another hole in my pockets, i wanna save save save & yet this virus made me spend spend spend! Clinics around me r getting richer...haha! Gosh.. felt so weak now... took me 30 mins to write such a short blog...argh! darn hands keep trembling!!!!! Miss him so... really wish he could be beside me now. (I can continue dreaming) -.-" .....Yea, even a simple msg will do...i'm not tat greedy though.. *blehz* I will update again later ba.. now gotta go drag myself to the clinic....Haiz! =(

CoNfUsed...devaStateD...TirEd

2007-02-01T23:07:00.000+08:00

Wads happening...?

Was really down today... is it because of the mood swing or is it...because of him? Never would i wanna live in the past memories, felt lonely at times... Haiz.. keep having nightmares, when can i slp in peace? I'm frightened.. afterall i m a gal, nid someone to love & dote. After all these yrs, i gave all my time to my loved ones...not even single 1 felt grateful or treasured things tat r done. Yes, we had our happy moments... but wad's more happy den u can be beside someone u really loved? I nid air...breathe....breathe.... Jennifer breathe! Kept asking myself, how many times can i lie? Keep lying to myself : "Nah! u dun miss him, u dun nid him!" No...how much i wished tat he could sms me... even a simple 1 word or 1 sentence msg i would be satisfied. I'm clueless, filled with empty hopes... like signing on a blank cheque... can any1 understand the pain?! Been listening to many songs... my fav phrase from a song kept repeating in my mind... the song Ye Xu...
I can only say now... Mei yi ye gu du de cheng shou, zhi ying wo cheng xu xia cheng nuo, jiu suan lei shui yan mo tian di, wo bu hui fang shou... Wo na me ai ni, ni zhen de yi dian gan dong dou mei you ma? Qing ni bu yao zai rang wo ku qi... bu yao zai rang wo nan guo le. ...

Gd nite... (Nite Bi)

HaPpy HaPpY NoW~~

2007-01-29T22:41:00.000+08:00

Yummy...~! Mom & dad brought us to my fav restuarant...Jumbo! Fav food is seafood... nice environment at riverside point...super nice view... but, super cold too..strong winds & drizzing~ Haiz...trembling while i tried to peel the shells of prawns and crabs..haha!
Was really happy..... Felt tat my relationship with my family has gotten better~~

My life now....

Felt really relieved tat i managed to handle situations on my own now...make decisions, gain trust from my family. Ha, guess someone really earned a credit though... but wadever it is, its for our future~! =) Really glad tat we had tat talk..... made me understand and get a clearer picture of our future. Well... i m getting older soon..haha! Big day on Feb... hmmm, i made a promised to myself, no more tears and unhappy stuffs on my bday anymore! I wanna live free & be happy! Most importantly..... its the dance. (Hee, weird rite? Its only between us) Every yr's bday...this is wad i look forward to.... hee~!

I'll be looking forward to tat day~! Nitey~~ tml morning shift gotta slp early... (Nite Bi)

It'S BeeN So loNg...So BuSy!

2007-01-26T16:33:00.000+08:00

Whoa...so many days i m not able to update my blog. Craps, my com is down...hmmm all thanks to the SCV cable guy. fixed my SCV but screwed my modem. Haiz.. remembered the days when i didn't hv my com to surf the net...GOSH! my mood was real real bad... fiery! Haha...weird though..time really changed someone, its been almost to a wk & my com is still not fixed...& yet.. i m quite cool abt it. Hmmm.... so many things to update.. dunno where to start >.<

>>One fine day
Really weird thoughts has been on my mind these few days. Kept thinking of my grand aunt which was not really in contact with my family anymore. Suddenly memories of my past childhood yrs flashed in my mind. Heard her singing the song which she will sing to me everyday when she carried me in her arms. The song of "Snow White" waiting for her prince to come & rescue her. Quoted from one of the phrase:" Someday my prince will come, we'll find our love oneday...wedding bells will ring, someday when my dreams come true..." Hmmm... abit ancient song but i felt warm & loving...

>>Shopping spree
Finally got my "shopping momentum" back! Past 2 months, i lost almost everything... even my shopping mood! Argh! really dun feel like doing anything... (1st time though) Its great to hv u back old pal! Ha...Shop! Shop! Shop!

>>Working like a cow
Finally passed my test tat day...Whew! Real tricky MCQ questions...nid a 80% to pass, which means 30 questions, i nid to get a 24 marks to "JUST PASS"!! Whew! was really close to fail.. i got a juz nice 24 marks for it... haha! Another theory test coming... soon..REAL SOON! haiz! I thought i could throw away test and exams after i graduated..but no no no... headache!

>>Abt him...?
Hee.... i m juz glad! Happy...felt sweet in the heart... =) Guess its a secret between us... eventhough we didnt really contact for sometime... i still felt sweet....dunno why?! =)

Another super crazy day~!

2007-01-19T23:21:00.000+08:00

Haiz... today flood in A&E again... Flood here, flood there, everywhere FLOOD FLOOD!! So many patients...forever also cannot clear finish. OMG! Dunno y everyone is so sick.... Another few blue blacks on my body, really dunno how to prevent it..the prob is i dunno how i got those!?! Juz got my new shift for next mth, so happy! Many night shifts... can earn lotsa lotsa $$! Keke! =P Yea~ cant wait to be on leave.... taking whole stretch of leaves for my Bday! Wanna rest.... stressful manz! Hope this yr i can be as happy as my 21st birthday... I juz wanna spent it with...... hmmm.... i hope so..... tml got test again.. gottta study! Will update soon! Nitez.. (nite bi)

CRapPy LiFe....

2007-01-17T22:27:00.000+08:00

Crazy Work Life

Another busy day at work today. Gosh...started work with a full house of patients & ended with a full house too! LOL... my senior asked me a question today, "wads ur objectives?" i said i wanted to do trauma case, to fulfill my checklist. BINGO! About 2 hrs b4 we end our shift, a trauma case really came in! Ha Ha... (real "golden" mouth) morole of the story is.... nv ask me anything tat is "suay", coz its really gonna happen! =P

I miss him alot

After so long... nearly 2 months le, still thinking of him everyday. Though no more contacts, no more crying every nite & day... my heart still aches when i thought abt him. Till now, i still dun really know how he managed to endure such pain & all these misses.... Why m i still persistent in waiting for him..?? I had my reasons, i believed in him... dunno why i trust him so much... love is blind ya? NOPE! I'm not blind...my heart & mind is clear...concious, aware of wads happening & wad's he is trying to do. After so many failures in BGR..he said he will be the 1 who will treasure me till the end. (I truly trust him). Things will change...with determinations & strong will power.. i believe tat our love will prove everything! Now, let him fly ba..soar high up in the sky, when u hv seen enough of the sky...do remember to come home!

I'll be here waiting always.....=)

I'm WoRRiEd...

2007-01-14T23:32:00.000+08:00

The Accident

Had an accident yesterday morning, front collision. Lucky, no one was really injured. My maid's face was slightly bruised, my stomach was hurt by the seat belt (it felt better now), thank god my mom was fine... actually tat day she was suppose to sit in the front sit, as usual the naughty me will always fight with her for the sit... So, my mom was saved. But unfortunately.... the driver, my dad... he is suffering from a mild PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) now... He dun dare to drive anymore. Despite wad my mom said, he will nv in his life forget abt tat very morning. I guess i was the only 1 tat can understand how daddy felt.. at tat very moment when i knew tat the car is gonna hit, all i could think of is "M i gonna die?", "Will i ever get to see him again?" i guess daddy was thinking abt us... Its really hard for others to truly understand till they faces the same situation. Since tat incident, it made me even more certain abt wad i thot if previously... We will never know wads gonna happen to us the very next min of our lives... treasure wads around us! Though its really tough to walk the long & bumpy road of life... but together, nothing can bring us down! When god closes my door real tight, he left a window wide open for me to breathe~! I always believe... 真诚所至，金石为开。(Hmmm...hope i got my mandrin right?!) Gosh, i'm really bad at it...

Jan 14

Well, thought tat i could meet up with him yesterday(Jan 14) ...it's past 12 midnight now... "Happy anniversary" well silly....i said to myself~! We'll meet again soon...our 约定 ya? Haiz~! Dun wanna think abt it ... wads worrying me now is my papa... gd nite... *(gd nite bi)

ThE TRuTh Is Out....

2007-01-12T17:25:00.000+08:00

Since yesterday, it has been raining non-stop... my heart too, its been crying since the day he left. As soft-hearted as i can be, i waited & waited & waited... for the past month my mind, soul..its just him.. Ha..till i dun even recognise myself anymore~! I always believed tat i truly understand the whole situation, not matter wad others say, the trust i hv in him wouldn't even move an inch. So much so tat, now i realised... it hurts so so much! Perhaps tats the reason it kept raining?! (Hmmm i much be thinking too much le) Be it wadever tat happens in the future... I will live free... stronger... I'm tired, real real tired... no more of all these nonsense!! My conscience is clear....is urs too? I've got all the answers now.....

M i Turning nuts?!

2007-01-11T22:19:00.000+08:00

Today is really a bad day for me... everything seems wrong... the weather's wrong, its been raining the whole day...it seems like the sky's crying. Trying hard to stop thinking...gosh! the thought's really killing me! No longer thinking abt wad's wrong with both of us... now it's, why? Why m i so alone?!? Where's everyone? When i just need someone to listen? I tried calling... it's all the voicemail tat is greeting me... Been staring at the tv for the whole day..kept watching shows till my head's gonna burst! It hurts... my migraine is back. Haiz! I felt like i m only needed when...."needed", or "used". M I REALLY A TRASH? SOMEONE TO BE USED & DUMPED?! For crying out loud! I m really losing my mind!!!

ThiNGs R MoRe SeTtLed....

2007-01-07T22:06:00.000+08:00

The devotion

Not sure is it becoz of the loneliness in my heart that i m turning all my attention to work, family, friends and foremost the devotion to god. Praying, attending special events in temples are things that i would really wanna do now... seeking help and serenity through prayers are the only solutions tat i have now...

How much i miss him?

Keep asking myself, Do i love him as the way he is now? or Do i miss the past? I really have not the slightest idea wad is in his mind rite now... Yes, he wans me to be independent, love my family and be more independent... is tat the reason u r letting go to let me roam free? **(A question tat i know i might never have the answer....) We will be frens again, but not now... will u forget me by then? (I dun dare to think abt it). Jan 27 its a big day... i do hope he still remembers wad special day it is...i really do hope to go with him. I know its his favorite.... (",)

Well... i leave it to him... i m juz awaiting...awaiting..... awaiting.....

BacK From ThE TEmPle...

2007-01-05T20:56:00.000+08:00

Long day out...finally back hm. Lucky not too many ppl at the temple, i was rather blur over there.. haha~! something really funny happened, thot tat when i 求签（asking from guidance from god) i gotta be more sincere by closing my eyes & keep shaking those bamboo sticks...LOL~! Who knows the next moment before i knew it my mom shouted at me, den i realised tat the ground is filled with my sticks! Flying all over the place...-.-" i was so pai seh... haiz! so blur as ever.... gosh! goota go 4 a round 2 den... but this time i stared hard at the sticks! Ha Ha! I managed to get 1 after maybe abt 5 mins? Got a book from the shelves trying to act smart..wanted to explain the lot by myself. Then when i stared at the piece of paper....-.-" i realised it's all in chinese words... It's like the paper know me but i dunno him... Next solution... appraoched the ah pek sitting outside. Hmm...wad i got was a good lot.. everything is fine except for BGR problems.. Yea~! true true... all these years it has been like this...

Well, it's been almost 4 days....no sms, no chat. We hv continued to live our own life.. Keep asking myself how is he now? Is he still mad at me? Wanted so much to share my thots and problems with him... seems like he is so far far away...

To ThE TeMplE...OuTiNg WiF MoM

2007-01-05T12:14:00.000+08:00

Wanted to sleep longer...woken up by the yelling & the cheering frm the swimming complex next to my flat.. OMG~! It starting @ 0800++ , made me toss & turn till now... ARGH! Well, that's the cons for staying next to the pool..ha! Going out soon.. dear mummy has taken half day leave to accompany me. Really thank her for tat, glad to hv a mother & daughter outing... but first destination ----> to the temple! Heard from my fren its really good praying in the 四马路 temple de... I wanna know my life... my fate... Yea~ might not be true, but it serves as a guideline... Desperate to find a solution, seek help from professionals & now from the gods.
Opps! Time's running out...gotta bath now~! Ciao~ BRB.....

Another night to pass....

2007-01-04T23:14:00.000+08:00

Another night of insomia...waking up in the middle of the night in cold sweat. I often hv this kind of dreams previously..but when the minute i open my eyes, beautiful sunshine and his assuring voice tells me tat its all a dream, its not gonna happen silly girl~~! This time, no sunshine, no voice, no light...all in darkness. I m standing at the door of happiness.. i just nid the key to open it.

Watching TVB movies rite now, Healing Hands 3. Great show related to my career. Dunno whether its fate or coincidence tat this show has many meaning phrases. i wanna share it with u all... Its 1 of my Fav:

The hardest part of a tree usually has the most scars
It went through many hardship and layers & layers of skin grew
Its strong & steady now, ready to face the cold & hard world to fight for its survival

Likewise the tree is just like us...many painful experiences made us stronger.

As for me? Hah... still as weak as ever... I'm a darn lousy tree!

SHoulD I SaY ThAt tHiS Is a nEw bEGiNniNG 4 mE? oR?

2007-01-04T13:04:00.000+08:00

My first blog?

Can't believe tat i actually starts to blog.. used to think tat blogging its something which allows ppl to invade into ur privacy... Things has really changed for me, no longer used to think the way i had thot before and sad to say....my *true self * is gone. Never in my life i m so lost and confused abt my existence in this world... hey, c'ommon who hasn't? U might think tat ya? The old Jennifer tat i knew, did not.. at least i m darn sure y m i still breathing the air on earth.. The fav phrase tat i hv heard since 8th December 2006 @ 0230hrs, y give up the whole forest 4 a tree? Tat's what almost 99% of my pals around me said to me, when i got devastated the day he left me. As usual, the stubborn me refused to listen, my answer will always be the same till on my death bed will be " Firstly, he is no ordinary tree... Secondly, i hv no forest, all i wan is this tree!" The usual reaction will be the uprolling of eyes & saying tat i'm hopeless. (Hey dun tell me u r doing tat too!?) Ok la..everyone got their own perception of love & sacrifice. I m the sort tat is willing to do all sorts to hang on to my own happiness. (but not those sadist lover killer ar-.-")

Ha... i remembered he once told me.. after all the past experiences tat i hv gone through n yet i dun learn anything out of it?! Yes, unhappy experiences taught me many things, i didnt relate them on him coz i believed tat everyone deserves a new chance n not letting my past start to influence & cloud my judgement for him. I dunno is it becoz of my horoscope or inborn personality make me felt this way.. be it for a fren or lover, i believe tat i m sincere, i hv done all that i could do and as long as i know, my conscience for u is clear. If u aprreciate, many thanks & i m so grateful tat i hv known u, if not, well...no grudge, no hatred & no regrets... i dun owe u anything anymore..

My fav example now... I hv burnt my hands, i used to keep thinking tat "how this happened?!", "wad could i hv done to prevent this?!" "Pls rewind the situation, i cant bear the pain!!" till recently i found out... its of no use! This just brought me from 1 deep, dark & stinky hole to another endless pit! Gosh! I keep asking wad he wants me to do? wad can i do to please him? It's really driving me nuts... agreed! "Messed up!" is the word! Now? I just wanna find all sorts of solutions to heal the scar, take some painkillers to numb the area and go for a plastic surgery perhaps?! Nevertheless, i m still holding the string...( i guess only he can understand wad string m i holding on to) tired? yes very very infact... but i will wait... not wait like the way i used to, now silently is the word. If we r meant to be together...nothing in this world can separate us! (Hey, i've got ur meaning) Gotta learnt it the hard & painful way....